


Our mistakes, they were bound to be made

by Rays



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, season 4 speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 19:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15516549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rays/pseuds/Rays
Summary: After saving Eliot from the monster, Alice decides to offer some advice.





	Our mistakes, they were bound to be made

**Author's Note:**

> I have kind of been avoiding writing anything post season 3 because I just didn't know what to do with it yet. But I guess I finally got something! This idea came to me and wouldn't leave me alone. I hope everyone likes it!
> 
> The title comes from the song "I'll Keep You Safe" by Sleeping At Last

Grey. Everything was always grey here. It would seem to an outsider that to Alice, with her pale skin and a constant frown that she fit the gloomy atmosphere of the cold, east coast shoreline where they had found a suitable safe house. But even Alice Quinn missed the sunlight and after being locked up in the library for so long. She longed for the warm, bright rays of the sun beating down on her. She wouldn’t even mind if the sun could burn her skin raw so that she could see the physical proof of her own existence.

Angry waves crashed onto the deserted beach that the two-story house they were squatting in sat on. It was constantly drizzling rain and the beach wasn’t sand, but pebbles and rocks instead. Seaweed and trash washed onto the shore and there was the smell of dead fish in the air at all times. It wasn’t a great vacation spot, but it was hidden thanks to many wards from its previous owner. A paranoid master magician who had been on the run and ultimately met his unfortunate end when he thought it was safe to re-enter the world.

Alice stubbed out her cigarette, a habit she was ashamed that she had picked up recently, but after everything she’d been through, she was letting herself indulge for the time being. Pulling her jacket around herself, she glared out one last time at this miserable place before she went inside.

“Irene still believes the monster is in Eliot,” Marina was saying as Alice pulled the sliding glass door shut and walked into the bright fluorescent light of the kitchen. “There has to be some way we can use that to our advantage.” She looked to the others that had gathered around the kitchen table. They were still getting to know the hedge witch from another timeline, but she had helped them and found this house, so they let her stay for now.

“You mean use him as bait?” Kady asked, looking as if she was ready to throw herself across the table at the suggestion. “After everything that he’s been through? And after everything we sacrificed to get him back? You want to dangle him-“

“I never said that!” Marina interrupted quickly. “Seriously, I actually am on your side.” Some of them looked skeptical, but ultimately they were still going to trust her.

“We need her to keep believing it,” Julia pointed out as she rubbed Kady’s arm in an attempt to calm her. “Once she finds out we don’t know where it is, she’ll make sure to find it first, then all of this will have been for nothing.” Dark looks passed between them and Alice saw Penny take Julia’s hand.

“What about a golem?” Josh suggested. “We make one like Eliot and distract Irene long enough for Fogg to locate the actual monster.”

“I don’t know,” Julia said looking nervous at the idea. “After what happened last time, I’m not sure if Q and Margo would be comfortable with that.”

“They’re not comfortable with any of this.” Penny pointed out. No one had noticed Alice had joined them and she didn’t expect them too. She knew it would take more than helping them free Eliot from the monster to win back their trust, but she was willing to take on all their anger as punishment for her betrayal and hoped someday they would understand why she did what she had done.

As they all started throwing out ideas and talking over each other Alice walked out into the dark living room. The blinds were pulled down, though there wasn’t enough light outside to warrant them being down. The whole room was littered with papers and books on ancient magic and God’s. Pillows and blankets were on every couch and chair available for anyone needing to pass out. Pizza boxes, Chinese food cartons and countless liquor bottles were scattered all over the floor. Alice considered cleaning this up, but like most things these days, she didn’t see the point.

The sound of footsteps pulled Alice’s attention to Todd coming down the narrow staircase by the front door. He was carrying a tray with a bowl of untouched soup in his hands. When he saw Alice, he smiled at her and shrugged sheepishly.

“We’re going to try food again a little later.” She nodded, her lips twitching into something close to a smile, or at least as close as she could. Todd gave her a quick nod back before disappearing into the kitchen. He was another one who had helped and had somehow joined their dysfunctional little family. She appreciated Todd though. Maybe it was because he had not witnessed what she had done, but he was nice to her and she did her best to return his kindness.

She went to the base of the stairs and looked up at the dark hallway where Quentin and Margo’s hushed voices wafted down, letting her only catch syllables of what they were saying. Her curiosity, more than anything, set her in motion and she walked up the stairs.

“I am _not_ leaving him!” Margo hissed. She had arms wrapped tightly around herself and her nails were digging so hard into her arms Alice was sure she would sure she would be bleeding when she uncurled. She was still wearing the same jeans and t-shirt Kady had given her that she’d been wearing the past three days and hadn’t bothered with make-up. Alice found it strange to see her like this; bare and vulnerable in ways that Alice never imagined Margo was capable of.

“I didn’t say that!” Quentin said defensively. “But Fen sent another bunny, she needs your help and you are the High King.” Quentin looked horrible. His pale skin and the dark circles under his eyes gave him a sickly appearance. It didn’t help that along with hardly ever sleeping, he barely ate and was beginning to look gaunt in the face. “I promised Fen that we wouldn’t abandon her; I promised Eliot.” He ran his hands through his hair and Alice wondered if he missed it being longer. It was growing out, but Alice liked where it was now, it reminded her of when they first met. Before they had learned all the ways that they could hurt each other.

“I don’t give a fuck right now Quentin,” Margo snapped back. She dropped her arms down to her sides, her hands balling into fists; Alice saw the specks of blood her fingernails left behind. “It’s only been three days and he hasn’t even spoken a word yet and-” her words were cut off in a choked sob that seemed to surprise her even more than it surprised Alice. “Oh fuck,” she cried and Quentin pulled her to his chest. His arms wrapped protectively around her as Margo hugged him back.

Quentin stroked her long hair and was talking quieter now, Alice could only hear muffled bits of words but it seemed to calm Margo down enough that she pulled away from him nodding. Quentin wiped the tears off her face, his fingers gentle in a way so familiar to Alice that it cut into that part of herself she kept locked away. The small part that still missed him and thought that if they tried again, then it would be better this time. Margo put her hand on his chest and the grateful look she gave him said more than whatever words she whispered that Alice couldn’t hear.

Alice was suddenly aware of how close she was standing to them. She knew if they noticed her at the top of the stairs it would only be awkward, so she ducked into the closest room. Hiding half behind the door, she craned her neck so she could still see them as they talked.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Quentin assured her, his voice stronger now.“All you have to do is pop over there, Fen will have everything that you need to see about the Fairy deaths and you can come right back. I’ll be with him the whole time.” She still looked uncertain but Alice could tell that whatever whispered words they had shared, it had been enough for Margo to agree to go to Fillory.

“If something happens,” Margo started to say.

“I’ll enchant a two-way mirror,” Quentin said, gently cupping her cheek with his hand. The way Margo smiled made Alice think this was something that they said to each other, some private message only they seemed to understand. He pulled her into his arms again and they swayed together for a moment. “Go be King,” Pulling back, Quentin kissed her forehead and Alice found herself wondering what their relationship had become over the past few months. The terror of possibly losing the person, they both, loved so much had created a bond between them that Alice felt she would never begin to understand.

Movement over her shoulder dragged her attention away from the hallway and she looked to see Eliot sitting in an armchair near the three tall windows looking out over the crashing waves and gloomy sky. If she thought Quentin was pale, Eliot was almost translucent with red-rimmed eyes. Though he had always been thin, he was just skin and bones now. The monster had not needed to eat and Quentin could only sometimes coax it to eat when he had been Brian. They were lucky now if they could get Eliot to have a few spoonfuls of soup. His hair was longer than Alice had ever seen, and it hung in wet curls in his face. Quentin must have bathed him; he had hoped Eliot might snap out of this if he got cleaned up.

He had his long legs pulled up, one underneath him and one he hugged to his chest. A blanket was draped over his shoulders to fight off the chill that seemed to be constantly going through him. He was watching Alice with the same blank expression he’d had on his face since they had freed him from the monster three days before.

It wasn’t that Alice had been avoiding Eliot, but she hadn’t seen him since the night the spell had worked. She watched the agony and pain on his face as the monster was literally ripped out of his shade before it disappeared in a glowing light, leaving Eliot shellshocked and broken. It had reminded her of things she was trying to forget and looking at his face now she could admit that she had been avoiding him.

“What are you doing in here?” Alice spun back around to an angry looking Margo and a worried Quentin who moved quickly around her to stand closer to Eliot.

“I-uh-I saw that Todd brought Eliot’s soup back and it didn’t look like he had any,” Alice said stumbling into an excuse that didn’t involve her eavesdropping on them. “I just wanted to make sure he really wasn’t hungry.” Margo and Quentin shared a look like they were trying to decide if this was an acceptable explanation.

Out of everybody, the two of them were having the hardest time dealing with Alice now. She could see it all over their faces in the complicated way they looked at her. On the one hand, they wanted to blame her for what happened to Eliot. Even though she could point her own finger at Quentin’s stupid plan or Eliot himself for shooting the monster in the first place, but that would get her nowhere near their good graces. On the other hand, though, she had been the one who knew about a spell that could save him. If it hadn’t been for her, they would have lost Eliot forever.

Margo looked her up and down before moving past her and going to Eliot. Kneeling down in front of him, she took his hand and began to speak quietly to him. Alice looked at Quentin, unsure what to do next and he motioned for them to go out in the hall.

“Margo’s going to go to Fillory,” Quentin explained once they were out of the room. “Shouldn’t take her long.” His fingers were twitching nervously and he was bouncing a little on the balls of his feet. It was like his whole being was trying to get back into that room and close to Eliot.

“Is everything alright?” She tried to care about what was happening in Fillory, but Alice had never really felt like a Queen. Now when she thought of that time she thought of Eliot’s face, smiling as he crowned her Alice the Wise. The memory of those few moments of pure and blissful peace between them hurt her now in ways she didn’t know how to explain.

“Nothing we can’t handle,” Quentin said not meeting her eyes. He never told her what was happening in Fillory, he rarely told her anything anymore, but she at least could say she asked.

“When was the last time you slept?” Quentin shut his eyes tightly and ran a hand over his face. She could see him shaking a little from where she stood and didn’t know if it was lack of sleep, hunger, or something else.

“Eliot fell asleep for a few hours last night,” he said dropping his hand. “So, I think I dozed off for a while around then.”

“You should try to sleep a little,” Alice encouraged. Quentin looked wounded like the suggestion had been a physical blow.

“I can’t, not while he’s-” Tears filled Quentin’s eyes and he shook his head. “I can’t.” Before any more discussion could come from that, Margo walked out and joined them.

“He still didn’t say anything,” she said frowning. “I told him I would tell Fen that he’s okay, I don’t think he wants to scare her.”

“You should take Josh with you,” Quentin said.

“I don’t need an escort,” Margo snapped. “I’m capable of getting myself to my own castle.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Quentin said. “I just meant-”

“I know,” Margo said cutting him off with a sigh. “I’ll ask him.” They looked away from each other uncomfortable for a moment. The idea that they would be separating, even briefly, seemed to hit them and they both struggled to handle the emotions that Alice watched wash over their faces. Alice looked away, choosing to look at the floor instead and she heard Margo rush into Quentin’s arms.

“I’ll walk you down to the clock,” he told her and Alice looked up to see Margo staring into the room at Eliot nervously. Eliot was watching them, his expression never changing. It was hard to tell if he even understood what was going on around him and that made his blank stare all the more unsettling.

“I’ll stay up here,” Alice suggested noticing how worried they both looked. “I’ll keep an eye on him.” They exchanged a glance, then Margo frowned but turned to walk away.

“I’ll be right back,” Quentin said and quickly followed Margo and they disappeared down the stairs. When Alice looked back at Eliot, she was surprised to see him leaning forward a little, straining to look out into the hallway, his eyes darting a little searching for Quentin.

“Quentin’s just going to walk Margo to the clock,” Alice awkwardly said as she took a step into the room. Eliot cautiously watched her movements. “He’ll be right back.” He seemed to accept this and dropped his eyes as he leaned back against the chair. Alice almost felt like smiling, Eliot did seem to comprehend, at least he could react in a way. It wasn’t much, but it felt like a good sign.

“Do you want me to see if Todd can bring back that soup?” She asked, suddenly feeling like she needed to fill the silence. Eliot's eyes slid up to meet hers for a second before turning and looking back out the window. Well, she had tried she thought as she took a seat on a box near the door. She felt silly for volunteering to stay, but she hoped it would show Quentin she wanted to help.

Quentin hadn’t wanted to leave Eliot alone and was getting more obsessed about it as each day passed that Eliot stayed in his current state. She recognized the sheer desperation Quentin expressed during the past few months, not taking care of himself in exchange for trying to save the person he loved. As someone who had once been the recipient of that obsession, she wondered if Eliot understood what she hadn’t at the time. Having someone fight that hard for you was rare and shouldn’t be taken lightly.

“I’m back,” Quentin stumbled into the room, barely even glancing at Alice, he made his way quickly to Eliot. “You okay?” Eliot looked up at him but offered no change in his expression and Quentin began to fuss over him. He pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders, pushed back the hair out of his face; he even felt his forehead like he was checking for a fever. Eliot’s eyes followed Quentin’s movements, helplessness clouding over his face like he knew that to make Quentin feel better he could respond but something in him was still making that impossible.

“Should I get him anything?” Alice asked she felt compelled to stay here now. Downstairs, everyone was busy with things they wouldn’t include her in any way. “Another blanket? Some food?” Quentin put his hand on Eliot’s cheek and the two looked at each other for a moment. Quentin seemed to search for Eliot and Eliot just stared back, unsure of what his response to Quentin’s worry should be.

“He’s fine for now,” Quentin finally concluded and Eliot blinked once and went back to gazing out the window. Quentin sat down a small stool he had pulled next to the chair and watched him like at any second he would disappear into thin air. It was what had happened when the monster had realized what they were planning. He had almost looked betrayed that Quentin, his friend, would do this and before they could do anything, the monster vanished. Alice had been there and saw Quentin completely break apart in ways she didn’t know were possible and it still haunted her.

“Quentin,” she said walking further into the room. “If he’s fine, then maybe you should take a nap.” Quentin snapped his neck around and glared at her.

“I’m fine,” he said shortly. “I’ll sleep when he sleeps.” Eliot looked over at Quentin when he spoke. Alice thought she saw sadness flash across his face but it was hard to tell.

“Quentin, come here,” Alice said moving to the door. Quentin hesitated just a second before he stood and joined her. “I can sit with him if you need to-” Quentin shook his head before she could even finish her sentence.

“No,” he said. “I just promised Margo I wouldn’t leave him,” he said.

“Taking a nap is not leaving him,” Alice pointed out but Quentin just shook his head looking down at the floor. Sighing, she glanced over at Eliot who was looking back at her now. She could almost feel him pleading with her to get Quentin to take care of himself. “How about a shower?” Quentin looked back at her now and she nodded encouragingly. “You can go as fast as you want. I don’t mean to sound rude but you could use a shower.” Quentin’s hand went straight to his greasy hair almost nervously.

“I guess a shower wouldn’t take too long,” he muttered.

“And I’ll stay right here,” Alice said. “Unless-if you don’t want me too, then I can ask Julia or Kady.” She prepared herself for his untrusting gaze back on her but he shook his head instead.

“It won’t be long,” he said meeting her eyes for the first time in a while. “You don’t need to bother them.” It didn’t sound like a big endorsement of his confidence in her, but it was more than she expected.

“Yeah,” she said trying to hold back her smile. “I’ll sit in here, go get cleaned up.” Quentin nodded and then moved back over to Eliot. Alice watched as he took Eliot’s face in his hands and started to talk to him. She saw the careful way he touched him and the look on their faces made something inside her hurt. Quentin had never looked at her like that, even when their relationship at been at its best. She knew he had never loved her like that and she knew, in the dark and cold part of herself, that she might never be able to give that kind of love. She envied them in a way, but also that level of love terrified her.

“I’ll be five minutes tops,” Quentin said once he had pulled himself away from Eliot and walked back over to her. “If he needs _anything_ I don’t care about modesty or any of that shit, come and get me.” Alice nodded and with one last look over his shoulder, Quentin walked down the hall to the small bathroom they all had to share. Alice stepped back into the room and her and Eliot just stared at each other. They were alone again.

Alice walked further into the room and sat on the bed a few feet away from the armchair, Eliot watched her with a curious kind of look in his eyes. She wondered how he felt about her now. Alice had never really thought about his feelings or the complicated history they had with each other. She forgave him for sleeping with her boyfriend, but they had never been close. Then, the last time she saw him when he was actually still Eliot, she had betrayed everyone and he especially had been angry with her. But they shared something now, a unique experience that she had taken for granted.

“I don’t know if I’m supposed to talk to you,” Alice said, sitting up a little straighter on the bed. “I doubt you even want me too.” His eyes looked away for just a second, he probably didn’t want to talk to her, but she didn’t care right now. “I’m not going to sit here and say that I understand what you went through.” Eliot tucked the blanket around his shoulders a little tighter and he swallowed thickly.

“I’m not even going to tell you that you should open up to me because I know what it’s like to come back after being something else. What it’s like to know that you did horrible things that will haunt you for the rest of your life. And I’m really not here to tell you that time heals all wounds, so if you were expecting that kind of pep talk, you can unclench.” He looked to her now, almost like he was curious to see where this would go.

“I know for me it was different,” Alice said with a half-hearted shrug. “I loved being a niffin, and deep down it was still me doing all of that. You on the other hand,” She gestured to Eliot, whose eyes turned a little darker like he was prepared for an accusation. “You didn’t choose to be a monster and deep down it wasn’t you doing those things. You were just along the ride.” Eliot’s eyes drifted away to stare off into nothing. Alice could only guess the kinds of memories he must have from the time the monster had control and she shivered at the thought. “But you did make a choice once. You chose to shoot the monster.” Now he looked back at her and Alice nodded.

“I was there; you didn’t hesitate. You did what you thought would save him.” A haunted kind of look came over Eliot and his whole body sagged with guilt. “I get it because I became a niffin to save him too and then he almost killed himself trying to save me.” Eliot pulled his leg tighter to his chest, his eyes wide and she could see them starting to shine with unshed tears. She leaned forward a bit feeling like maybe she could actually get through to him.

“I don't know if it's because you feel guilty because of the things the monster put him through or if you're just so traumatized that you’ve completely lost yourself, but whatever it is you have to push through it for him.” Eliot looked away from her now. A tear fell down his face and he took a deep breath. “Because, Eliot,” She shook her head feeling for a moment emotions might take over her as well. “He would have torn apart the multiverse just to save you and people who love you like don’t come around very often.” He looked back at her now and seemed surprised to see the tears that were now falling down her own face. Ones she hadn’t even felt fall. From down the hall, she could hear the water from the shower shut off and her time was almost up.

“I lost myself. I let my anger block everything else I felt for him and it took over me.” Alice went on. “I didn’t see what was right in front of me. I didn’t see how lucky I was to have someone love me like that.” Alice wiped the tears off her face and Eliot almost looked sad for her. He let his leg drop to the floor and he wrapped the blanket around to fill the space left behind.

“I'm not telling you to just get over it, that’s not my place to say.” She said straightening herself back up. ”What I’m trying to say it is don't get lost in it and don't turn your back on him. Give him something to let him know you’re still there. Lean on him because he's stronger than you realize.” For a moment, they just stared at each other and just as Alice was starting to think that what she had said hadn’t made any impact, Eliot nodded ever so slightly.

“I’m back,” Quentin said barging into the room. He was still drying his hair with the towel and his shirt was more twisted around his body than actually on him, but he was clean and his cheeks actually had some color to them. “Everything okay?” He looked at Alice as he crossed the room and went to stand next to Eliot.

“Yeah,” She said with a smile. “I told you it would be fine.” Eliot was looking up at Quentin now and Alice knew it time for her to leave. “If he gets hungry let me know, I’ll bring the soup back.” She said walking to the door.

“Do you want to try eating again?” Quentin asked. Alice watched as Eliot reached forward and wrapped his hand around Quentin’s wrist and gave it the smallest pull. Quentin’s whole face practically lit up and he leaned closer to Eliot. “El?” Then Eliot’s arms went around Quentin’s waist and he hugged him, laying his face against Quentin’s chest.

Quentin’s whole body sagged in a relief that seemed to fill the air around them and for a moment they were protected by all that had happened. Quentin hugged Eliot to him, a sob bubbling out of him as he buried his face into Eliot’s hair and Alice saw Eliot’s hands tighten around Quentin’s shaking body. Eliot didn’t say a word but for the first time, it is evident that he was there and he had reached out for Quentin. Smiling, Alice closed the door softly and left them to be alone.

“All of these spells only work if we know who the monster is possessing.” Penny was saying as Alice walked down the stairs and into the living room. He and Todd were sitting on the couch with books on their laps.

“I think I know of another book we could try,” Todd said and he pulled out his phone. “This guy owes me a favor anyway.” Penny rolled his eyes and didn’t look overly enthused but didn’t try to stop him. They didn’t even look up as she walked through the room and into the kitchen.

“If something is going on with the Fairies, I want to be involved.” Julia was telling Marina and Kady as Alice walked into the room.

“Look, I know you feel responsible for them,” Kady said crossing her arms. “But what about what’s going here? Did you forget that people might need you here too?” Alice barely even looked at them as she pulled the sliding glass door open and stepped out into the cold and rainy evening.

Pulling a cigarette out of her pocket she looked up at the window above her and smiled for just a moment; she found a moment in the day that could make her proud. She’d done a lot of bad and would probably never be able to make up for all of it, but she knew she had finally done at least a little good.

With a snap of her fingers, she lit her cigarette and thought that maybe she could think about quitting tomorrow. She blew out the smoke into the grey sky and shook her head. Grey. It was always grey.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


End file.
